Thursday, December 28, 2006

What I Expect to See in the New Year

This is an excerpt taken from our store's weekly newsletter written by Tom:

"Mind you, my crystal ball is pretty murky (I mean, I did open a wine store, after all) but I'm going to give it a go. Worst case, all of my predictions will be wrong, but you'll probably have forgotten them long before then anyway.

  1. January 2007: The University of Florida will announce that they've developed a true vinifera grape varietal that will thrive in Florida. Dubbed "Sanagostino" it's a cross between Sangiovese and Kentucky tall fescue. Overplanting with rye grass is recommended in winter in the northern part of the state. No word yet on the quality of the wine we can expect from it.
  2. February 2007: Following the end of his term as Governor, Jeb Bush will take a place on the state's alcohol control board. There he will propose creating a pipeline from Texas to Tallahassee to provide a steady supply of ethanol to fuel the state's new fleet of flexible fuel vehicles. (We're puzzled, as we thought there was pleny of methane there already!)
  3. March 2007: The new surgeon general of the United States will annouce that "moderate" comsumption of alcohol prevents a host of new diseases, including beri-beri, dengi fever and the yaws. There's a sharp spike in sales of Merlot and sloe gin as a result.
  4. April 2007: The following week the FDA announces that alcohol has "no known medicinal uses" but decides to include alcoholic beverages in the revised food pyramid anyway. Critics claim the FDA has given in to industry pressure.
  5. May 2007: Barry Bonds is accused of using pinot noir from Oregon as part of his training regimen, and is immediately traded to Seattle for 10 cases of really good Napa Cab and a player to be named later.
  6. June 2007: Club Paris corporate loses its main supply of Cristal, several locations are forced to close. The city will once again bail out the Landing.
  7. July 2007: K-Fed (aka "Fed-ex") finds that his music career disappears when he is seen publicly drinking white merlot. (I have no idea what any of that means, it came to me in a vision.)
  8. August 2007: Total Wines, after opening their ninth Jacksonville store, is no longer content to merely sell wines below cost. Instead they begin paying customers to carry cases of "Two Buck Chuck" out the door. In reponse, Costco and Sam's close their wine departments, replacing them with Bavarian cut glass displays.
  9. September 2007: Twelve-year-old Jacksonville native John "Golden Nose" Brown releases his list of the top 100 wines his parents have bought this year. Customers flock to local wine merchants looking for his picks after they appear in the Folio Weekly wine column, but the his parents are arrested for contributing to the delinquency of a minor.
  10. October 2007: A local law firms institutes a "take your bottles to work" program when they realize that none of their attorneys have enough free time to actually have kids that they could bring to the office. Staffers trade notes and fondle bottles every Friday afternoon.
  11. November 2007: Beaujolais Nouveau is released on schedule, but the consensus is that it's dreck. Millions of unopened bottles are used to bridge the English Channel, causing fear of an invasion of the island nation. Port prices soar as a result.
  12. December 2007: In his final issue of "The Southside Cellars Newsletter" local wine merchant and IT consultant Tom Blakely admits that he never really liked wine that much anyway, and that from here on he will drink nothing but Mountain Dew and Gatorade.
If any of this actually happens, it's also likely that my numbers have come up in the lotto. So come see us before we retreat to a private island in the South Pacific."

Have a Happy New Year, everyone!